Sudha Murthy’s Shocking Marriage Advice: ‘If You’ve Never Fought, You’re Not Really Married’

Sudha Murthy’s Shocking Marriage Advice: ‘If You’ve Never Fought, You’re Not Really Married’

Forget the Instagram-perfect couples and silent, serene marriages portrayed in movies. According to Sudha Murthy—one of India’s most respected authors, philanthropists, and a woman married to Infosys co-founder Narayana Murthy for over 50 years—if you’ve never fought with your spouse, you’re not truly husband and wife. That’s right. In a refreshingly honest take on long-term love, Murthy flips the script on conflict, arguing that disagreements aren’t signs of a broken relationship—they’re proof of a real one.

Table of Contents

• Who Is Sudha Murthy—and Why Her Advice Matters
• The Full Context of Her Marriage Advice
• Why Healthy Fights Are Good for Marriage
• Sudha Murthy’s 3-Step Conflict Resolution Method
• What Research Says About Fighting in Relationships
• Common Mistakes Couples Make During Arguments
• Summary
• Sources

Who Is Sudha Murthy—and Why Her Advice Matters

Sudha Murthy isn’t just a bestselling author of books like Wise and Otherwise and The Mother I Never Knew. She’s a computer scientist, educator, and chairperson of the Infosys Foundation. But perhaps her most enduring role is as a wife and mother in a high-profile, decades-long marriage that has weathered public scrutiny, professional pressures, and personal challenges.

In a culture that often equates marital harmony with silence and submission, her candidness about conflict offers a powerful counter-narrative—especially for young Indian couples navigating modern relationships while honoring traditional values.

The Full Context of Her Marriage Advice

During a recent public talk, Murthy was asked about the secret to her enduring marriage. Her response was both simple and profound: “If you have never fought, then you are not husband and wife.” She went on to explain that fights are inevitable when two people share a life. What matters isn’t the argument itself—but how you handle it.

Her key insight? When one partner is upset, the other should remain calm and listen. This prevents escalation and creates space for understanding. As she put it, “You cannot have two fires burning at once. Someone must be water.”

Why Healthy Fights Are Good for Marriage

Contrary to popular belief, avoiding conflict doesn’t preserve peace—it breeds resentment. Psychologists agree that healthy conflict actually strengthens relationships by:

• Clearing misunderstandings before they fester
• Building emotional intimacy through vulnerability
• Establishing boundaries and mutual respect
• Encouraging problem-solving as a team

A marriage without disagreement often means one partner is suppressing their needs—a recipe for long-term dissatisfaction.

Sudha Murthy’s 3-Step Conflict Resolution Method

Based on her decades of experience, here’s how Murthy navigates marital disagreements:

1. Pause Before Reacting: If your partner is angry, don’t match their energy. Take a breath. Say, “I hear you’re upset. Let’s talk when we’re both calm.”
2. Listen Without Defending: Focus on understanding their feelings, not proving you’re right. Ask, “What made you feel this way?”
3. Respond with Empathy, Not Logic: Sometimes, your partner needs comfort—not a solution. A simple “I’m sorry you felt that way” can defuse tension faster than any argument.

This approach aligns with principles from [INTERNAL_LINK:effective-communication-in-marriage], where emotional validation is prioritized over winning.

What Research Says About Fighting in Relationships

Murthy’s wisdom isn’t just anecdotal—it’s backed by science. According to the Gottman Institute, a leading research center on relationships, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual—meaning they’ll never be fully “resolved.” The key to success isn’t eliminating fights, but managing them constructively .

Couples who use “repair attempts” (like humor, touch, or de-escalating phrases) during arguments are far more likely to stay together long-term. Murthy’s “be the water” philosophy is a perfect example of such a repair strategy.

Common Mistakes Couples Make During Arguments

Even with good intentions, many couples sabotage their own peace. Avoid these pitfalls:

• Stonewalling: Shutting down or walking away without communication.
• Contempt: Using sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling—Gottman’s #1 predictor of divorce.
• Bringing up the past: Stick to the current issue. Don’t weaponize old mistakes.
• Fighting to win: Marriage isn’t a debate club. The goal is connection, not victory.

Summary

Sudha Murthy’s marriage advice cuts through the myth of the “perfect” relationship. Her message is clear: conflict is normal, even necessary. What defines a strong marriage isn’t the absence of fights—but the presence of empathy, patience, and the willingness to be “water” when your partner is fire. After 50+ years of partnership, her words aren’t just wisdom—they’re a roadmap for love that lasts.

Sources

• Times of India: Relationship tip of the day: Sudha Murthy’s marriage advice
• The Gottman Institute: Research on Marital Conflict and Repair
• Interviews and public talks by Sudha Murthy (2020–2026)